Seven Years
by BalthierFlare
Summary: OoT. Seven years of sleeping. What happens around Link...and in his dreams? CRAZY-NESS BOUND TO ENSUE...Voodoo dolls, ReDeads, l33t 5p3ak, Chuck Norris my homeboy ...
1. A Sleepy Start

Disclaimer: I do not own any of Legend of Zelda's characters, settings or plot

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of Legend of Zelda's characters, settings or plot. This all belongs to Nintendo**.

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-SEVEN YEARS-

A Sleepy Start

Apparently the Hero of Time was too young when he entered the Sacred Realm. He needed to wait seven years until he could save Hyrule from the Dark Lord Ganondorf. The sages agreed to let him sleep, for it would be easiest and painless. Plus Rauru argued something about how it made you grow better or something.

"It makes you grow better or something," Rauru stated with affirmation, "I mean, my beard grows an inch every night if I sleep for a minimal amount of eight hours and thirteen minutes."

The rest of the sages all glanced around the room, slightly bewildered.

Link was awake, because they had not put him to rest yet, and finally spoke for himself, "Dude, I'm like seven. I don't have a beard yet."

Rauru coughed loudly, "I'm just saying..."

The sages continued looking around. After a few minutes of silence, Link said, "Okay, awkward silence. Fo' sho."

The group decided it would be best to put the Hero of Time to sleep, and then he could grow better (according to Rauru) and wouldn't be shooting people with his slingshot.

The sages gathered in a circle, leaving Link on a bed in the center of their arrangement. Together they combined their magic to make him sleep, and to clear the memories of their odd conversation of beards, and sent to young boy into a deep sleep.

The young boy grunted loudly as the sages' magic lighted the area, "IT'S TOO DERN BRIGHT TO SLEEP, STUPID FAIRY!"

But before further complaining occurred, the spell took affect and knocked out the young hero. He lay silently on the bed, perfectly still. Luckily there was no pea under his mattress or he'd have trouble sleeping, or he'd eat it, but nonetheless it seemed as if his slumber would be eternal. Navi swayed beside him, yelling, "Hey! Listen!"

Over time, around two minutes, tops, the sages grew tired of the annoying voice.

"Holy Hyrule! How can that boy listen to this constantly?" The water sage Ruto complained.

Together they decided to create another spell to put her to rest along the side of Link. Ruto wanted to make it stronger so she would never awake, but her opinion was overruled in the court.

With the fairy and the boy asleep, the sages felt their job was done. Rauru stayed behind for the first shift of one year. Once it was complete Impa would come, then Ruto, Nabooru, Saria, Darunia, and an unlucky coin toss loser for the last year.

But with great, ah never mind. Link's thoughts were not ceased in his slumber, and his eagerness of battle and memories filled his dreams...

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**A/N: There is the first chapter! (Gosh it's short, sorry!) PARODY! Some of my friends know I used to write plenty of parody...TEH HAT, 100 Ways to Kill Ilia...y'know. Lemme know how you feel about this new one. Trust me, it'll be much funnier with sage's shifts, Link's dreams...and that's it. **


	2. Deja Voodoo

A/N: Here is the first dream…

**A/N: Here is the first dream…**

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-SEVEN YEARS-

Deja Voodoo

Rauru sat in a lazy-boy chair, rubbing his belly and burping. He set down a bottle of Lon Lon Milk on the end table next to him.

"This is-urp-the good life-buuurp," He announced to himself.

Meanwhile, Link was fast asleep on his cot. All seemed at peace, his eyes were shut and he was completely still. His dreams started tranquil, purple ponies hoping about, and monkeys all different colors eating bananas, but then came the memories…

He walked over a marble pathway, soon his steps were stifled by soft grass, a circle of flowers filled the center of the courtyard. A young girl stood near the lone window, a small white headdress covered her golden hair, she wore a turquoise shirt underneath of her white dress and magenta covering. Link approached her silently, just as he reached the steps, she faced him.

She covered her mouth with her hand, "You…what are you doing here?"

Link stepped back, not knowing what to say.

But the young girl was pleasant, "I'm Zelda. Actually, I'm Princess Zelda, but since we're friends you can call me Zelda." She smiled and continued, "I've seen you before…"

Link arched an eyebrow, he had certainly not met the Princess of Hyrule before, but he considered himself lucky to have not been thrown out yet, "I'm Link," he added.

"I know!" Zelda said, completely ignoring his words, "In my dream…"

She told him of her dream, which a boy from the forest would come; he had green clothing and a fairy, just like Link. In that dream she was told he would save Hyrule from a dark and sinister man.

"Here, Link, look inside. I think this is the evil man…" Link stared inside, a man garbed in all black stood, he had flaming orange hair and a wicked grin.

"Okay Link, I made this doll to help us defeat him. It was something my guardian Impa told me about called 'Voodoo Dolls.'" Zelda nodded, and showed Link a doll. It was only a few inches tall, with black for a body, an olive colored head, and orange flowers for hair. Link wondered how this would help.

"I'll hold this doll, and you, poke it with all your might!" Zelda shook her fist in excitement, "We can kill this evil man before he does any evil stuff!"

The princess steadied her hand, gripping the cotton doll, and holding another hand behind it for extra stability.

Link looked around, _Is this some kind of joke? Am I getting Punk'd or something?_

No matter how confused Link was he decided to poke the doll. He acted like he was focusing his chi and then thrust his pointer finger into the doll's stomach.

A loud thump sounded. Zelda dropped the doll, it rolled down the steps. They both stared inside the castle's window, seeing the evil man grabbing his stomach in pain and rolling around spastically.

Zelda giggled and faced Link, "See? I'm sure he doesn't have indigestion! We can beat evil with a doll! Good work, Link! …I mean just imagine if we had poked him with your sword! There would be blood everywhere! MWAHA!"

Link looked into the window again to see the man crawling toward the window; he pulled himself up with the ledge. Link gawked, "Zelda!"

The princess turned to face the man as he pulled the window open, she screamed in sheer terror. Luckily, the guards had noticed the incident and ran over to him, one bopped him on the head with the end of his lance, the others just cheered him on, a couple of them leaned against the wall and drank ale, but all together it just was a huge mess.

The evil man was being assaulted by little children and soldiers. Zelda squealed and ran around in circles. Courtyard guards ran towards the center and found Link, who they thought caused Zelda's spasm. Therefore they threw him out, and he landed oddly and broke his collarbone. Impa arrived on the scene and comforted Zelda. Once the Princess had calmed Impa joined the assault and battery on the evil man. At first she simply stood near the guards but then she joined in and kicked him in his stomach.

With all of this going on, it was surprisingly quiet outside of the castle where Link lay. His conscience spoke to himself, _No, no, no. This isn't how it happened._

And with that, his view went black and he dreamt of something else.

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**A/N: Okay, not THAT funny. But trust me, the next will be better…like a dance off or…you'll see! There is a Prince of Persia reference for ya'll. XD And here's a model of the doll (complete with a bellybutton!):**

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	3. The Talk

A/N: This'll be funny

**A/N: This'll be funny! I KNOW IT! It's got Chuck Norris in it…(thanks to MCS's reminder! XD) Fire up the suggestions, here's a dream!**

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-SEVEN YEARS-

The Talk

Link jumped out of bed, landing on familiar wooden floor of his Kokiri home. He glanced around the room, something felt odd. He walked over to his dresser, taking a quick look into the mirror.

He shrieked in terror, and fell to the floor, "Who was that in the mirror?" Link cried out. As he had stared into the deep abyss of the mirror, he had thought he saw an older self with a blonde beard. Rauru's creepy advice had come true!

"Calm down," Link told himself, "You are obviously still sleeping, you've got awhile to go. Luckily there are no voodoo dolls running about." Link finished his thought and then immediately searched the room for any voodoo dolls. No dolls had made their way inside his house, and he let out a sigh of relief.

A fresh, cool air blew through his window, and his doorframe. For some reason the Kokiri felt doors weren't necessary, maybe they enjoyed peep shows or were too lazy to turn a doorknob (this day's society, tsk tsk) nonetheless, the breeze felt nice against his skin.

Link decided to look in the mirror once more, and decide if it really was him. He cautiously made his way to the mirror, chanting, "I can be just like the choo-choo and make it up the mountain…" He stared into the mirror, seeing his usual cerulean eyes, blonde hair, a tad longer, his ears had blue hoops through their lobes, everything else was the same, just bigger. But his face! There was a huge beard on it! Well, it wasn't very long, but there was a beard. He grimaced at his reflection, "This is just Rauru trying to get the best of me!" Link concluded. He shut his eyes, hoping he would hop to another dream; he opened them again to see another man behind him.

"LEAPING LOLLIPOPS!" Link exclaimed, and began running around in circles.

The man hushed him, and set a hand on Link's shoulder, "Calm down boy, I am Chuck Norris."

Link stared up at Chuck Norris. He was really eccentric. A button-up shirt with a star pinned on it, tight pants, and pointed boots with pointy things attached. He even wore a weird brown hat on his head. But kookiest of all was his beard (aside from the fact that he was there, and all).

Chuck Norris paused for a moment, "A beard?"

Link pouted, "…yessh…"

Chuck Norris repeated himself, slightly angry, "A beard?!"

Link glanced around awkwardly but continued pouting, "…yessh…?"

Chuck Norris took his hand off of Link's shoulder and fumed, "Are you trying to win the title of the World's Most Manliest Beard?!"

The hero stopped pouting and said, "No…?"

Chuck Norris suddenly resumed his jovial outlook, "Oh good!"

Link contemplated how to get out of this dream however Chuck Norris was a man on a mission, and soon began talking again, "Now son, there comes a time when things start changing with your body. These are beautiful things."

Link's eyes grew wide, _Why is this man telling me this? He's as creepy as Rauru! WAAAHHHHH HELP ME! ANYONE!!_

"But this beard is not beautiful!" Link cried in agony as he pointed to his facial hair.

Chuck Norris gasped in disgust, "A beard, not beautiful?? Have confidence, my boy! Or I will roundhouse kick you to your death!"

Link gawked, not able to think of any escape plan as Chuck Norris delved into the talk of girls. _ANYONE!! HEAR MY PLEA, I AM SUFFERING FROM 'THE TALK' AND A BEARD! IFYOU COME TAKE CHUCK NORRIS WITH YOU AND SOMETHING TO RID OF THIS BEARD! I BEG OF YOU!_

Suddenly a great light filled the room. Link and Chuck Norris shielded their eyes and soon the light passed, in the corner of the circular room stood Mr.T.

_WHAT?! _Link seriously contemplated gnawing on his wrists to kill himself. The man spoke, "I have answered your plea, Link!"

"You sent Mr. T here, Link?" Chuck Norris asked irritably.

Link looked around the room before saying, "I really didn't. I don't know who this is. WHY DO YOU KNOW MY NAME AND I DON'T KNOW YOURS?!" He started hyperventilating.

Mr.T walked over to Link, "It's alright, son, this is for you." He handed Link a pink razor, "It was in one of those bonus pack things for shaving cream, y'know."

Link was confused through and through, completely ignorant to what a razor or shaving cream was, "I'M NOT YOUR SON!" He added, still breathing heavily.

Mr.T ignored his comment and spotted Chuck Norris who walked over to Mr. T. They stared each other down before Chuck Norris said, "Shaving cream, Mr. T? Only wimps use shaving cream!"

Mr.T spit on the floor, "I'm sure you'd like to know it was my wife's!"

"NOT THE FLOOR!" Link cried out.

Chuck Norris stepped back, "You may have won this time…" He waved goodbye to Link, which sent him flying away to wherever he came from.

Mr.T faced Link, "So, girls, eh?" Link cringed, "Please, I'm done! I don't want to die with this beard! AAAAHHHHHH!"

Mr.T arched his eyebrow, "Okay, you are crazy. Bye, son!" And with that he made his way to the doorframe, and reached to turn a knob.

"I'm not your son!" Link mumbled crossly to himself.

Finally he gave up and decided to walk through, he exited and then reentered with a threat, "If you tell anyone Mr.T didn't realize the absence of the door, then I'll be back….with Norris, and shaving cream…" He then disappeared into the darkness, leaving Link cowering in fear, and holding a pink razor in his hand.

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**A/N: Heheh…this one was funny-er. Not quite like it used to be…sighs Maybe I'm more sane!! I doubt it…and here's the bonus…Link's face:**

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**He looks like Santa.**


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